Monday, March 17, 2008

Rosie and I just got away for a quick 3 day weekend. Out to some little village called "Moclips" north of Ocean Shores a fair bit. "Moclips" consists of one road- named Second Street. It's maybe, a quarter mile long, has a few motels and houses, and that's about it. There's a little 7-elleven style mom and pop store a half mile away, and thats about it. Pretty much, in the middle of nowhere, but it's on the beach. Imagine the Ocean Shores beach, except completely devoid of people. It's nice if you're trying to get away from people, but a little boring if you're trying to go do stuff. For us, it was just about right. We drove into Ocean Shores a couple times, just to drive around and eat.

The reason we needed to get away, is because we haven't had an honest to goodness vacation in a while. Work has been pretty angst inducing for the both of us- moreso lately, with me taking on a new project run by a bunch of fools, reminiscent of my early career here at Microsoft. Funny, because this team is actually the old group I used to work with when I was first hired on. Their ways of doing software are still the same. It's strange, that when I work with this division on software products here at Microsoft, they always include lots of overtime, harrying political battles, timelines that are unrealistic and boatloads of errors because of it all. Most of which I hit, due to my role in software development- most all issues are hit when the software in question is being built.

When we were driving back into town, as soon as we hit Federal Way, my phone was already ringing. It was my boss, asking me to look after the india vendors and make sure that all the work that was done over the weekend was still on track. Of course... weekend work. That's part of the reason we got away. It would have been the fifth weekend in a row marred by the ugly prospect of working through most of my free time, had I not been out of cell range.

The weekend was incredibly relaxing, just doing nothing, driving around on the beach, eating sandwiches with lots of spicy mustard and Dr. Peppers galore. But this monday morning, before I even walk through the doors, the weight has already returned. Everything just seems to be an emergency with this team, and it always falls on my shoulders- because it's my job to get stuff done. Most other people at Microsoft have job titles like "Program Manager" or "Product Manager" or "Development Manager" and so on, meaning they don't really get anything done- they just kick and scream when something is broken. They are very good at underhandedly getting things done, but most of it just includes making others pull favors to get crap fixed over the weekend and wasting other people's time, because of their lack of skills in managing issues in an effective way.

This is all marred by the fact that my mom's health is in question. It's kind of given a green tinge to everything, almost like you're living in an alternate world, a la matrix. I'm not necessarily worried of the illness or survival rates- what really gets to me, is that it's my mom. The woman who held me close for all of the years where my heart was lost to even myself. My mom, who was the only individual that tried to connect to me emotionally throughout my child hood. She would even pretend she didn't see me sleeping on her bedroom floor, just so Dad wouldn't tell me to go back to my own room- just so I could be in her presence.

I've changed a lot over the years, but this entire issue is just bringing back to me my heart of my youth. For some reason, I don't really cry very much any more. But when I think of my mom, my throat constricts and my breathing becomes labored, as I know she is the one who gave me life inside. Who taught me what it meant to get hurt, and keep loving anyway- because Jesus did.

If ever I become a great author, I think I will dedicate my first book to my mom, who taught me how to harness my heart, instead of letting it run free and destroy itself.

I hope I get a promotion out of this crappy project at work. If only the team would quit blaming me for their poor planning...

1 comment:

Kat said...

You are, and always have been of one of the jewels, spoken of in Proverbs about children, one of the most precious variety. I remember the years when you were so tender and needy that simple hugs would not do. I remember praying hard to ask for guidance on how to meet your needs, which, of course, I couldn't. Only Jesus can. Not for lack of trying though. I felt so inadequate and helpless in the face of your little tear stained face at night when you said you felt unloved. The Lord knows how much my heart burst with love for you. My little tender-hearted son. I always thought of you as my special gift from God, my angel, sent to warm my heart and spirit - comfort. I needed that comfort and peace given the amazing whirlwind that is your sister.

Interesting how God plans the children, huh?

I love how you've grown into a man of God. I love how you've embraced the life that literally entwines itself around your spiritual self; there's no other way to live in my opinion. It's not about choosing God, it's about wrapping yourself up in His ways, His precepts, His love, and becoming more like Him with every breath. Pray first, ask questions later.

I love you, I love you, I love you. You couldn't make me prouder. It would be impossible.

Hey, you should help me write my "Lost Soles" book.