Thursday, August 24, 2006

well, things sure have taken a turn for the worse.


Rosemary aint doin so hot, thats for sure... shes stuck a few thousand miles away, and she doesn't even know why she went in the first place any more. She misses me so much and feels so dead and so much pain that she doesn't even want to keep serving, she just wants to come home.

Oh, how I wish she could just come home... I miss her more than I could ever explain, and I just can't seem to operate very efficiently without her any more.
Since the day we started dating, we've only spent 10 days apart. and 8 of those days were when I was in florida, about, 8 months ago.

so, what, 10 days, out of... 250? and all of those days were definitely in the early part of our relationship. We've pretty much grown inseperable, and we pretty much need eachother. I guess that makes sense why we're getting married- thats the point, right? You find someone you can't live without, and then you hit them over the head and drag them back to your cave. Too bad things can get more complicated than that sometimes. :(

I feel like I'm in a bit of a no-win situation now, too. I tell her to stay, because I'd be robbing her of what God has for her down there if I didn't. She deserves what God has brought her there for- he sure does have good reasoning to be putting us through this much pain, thats for sure. But, I feel bad for telling her to stay, because our hearts just cry out with pain and it feels so unloving when I say that, even though its the exact opposite. But, if I told her to come back home now, I wouldn't really be able to look at myself in the mirror for quite a while. Its pretty darn selfish and not very honorable, integrous... it robs God of what he was trying to do here. Either way it sucks hardcore... and the worst part is, shes not here to help me through a tough decision kind of thing- she IS the decision. heh.

Well thats that. ugh... I can't live without her.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Good morning.


Well, its been.. oh, 12 days since Rosemary left.

I was thanking God for how well it was going about three days ago. It's quite different now. The Vegas trip did a *really* good job of taking my mind off of it all. I was so caught up in the strategy and mind games of Poker and other gambling, that my brain was all used up on that for the majority of the time. Sure, I still missed her like crazy, and wrote her letters and stuff. But now... its just worse.

I'm back at home now, and I see her stuff everywhere. Her earrings she left on my table, hair clips, the bottle of water she left in my car... shes everywhere. her handwriting is on everything. It feels like I'm at home, without the heart of the home there.

I just need to keep busy. oh, man I miss her. If I only had an extra 800 bucks I'd fly down there right now. :(

Friday, August 18, 2006

So, vegas was quite interesting.

Dad and I played in 8 different poker tournaments, and we got in the final table about half the time, and on pretty much every one we got past half the field of players or more. We had a blast, and we won some money at the poker tournaments, too. my very first tournament netted me almost 400 bucks, and I could have gotten more if I didn't decide to split four ways with the other 3 still in the tournament. The very next tournament, Dad got $241, too. We had a lot of fun. Man, Vegas is so crazy. It feels like a dream world. Coming back to seattle was strange, because it felt like Vegas was just such an unrealistic place. A place where normal things don't happen, and un-normal things are as common as oxygen. Large opulent casinos were a dime a dozen, with each one not sparing a single expense, and attending to every little detail with firm attention. We walked probably 3 or 4 miles a day for most of the days, and we saw some pretty crazy decor. I can't really describe a lot of what I saw, its just so large and garish that you've gotta see it for yourself to understand how big and gold and hand carved everything is. We also played some black jack (I lost every single time by great margins) some Craps (won about 100 total there) some Pai Gow (or however you spell it. played for 20 mins, lost 10 bucks... stopped being interested in that game). Some roulette, which I made good money on almost every single time I played, and some pretty silly slot games that were quite fun and passed the time while waiting for tournaments to start. Nightclubs were everywhere, risque shows were everywhere, the waitresses all dressed in low cut, short skirt outfits, which was unfortunate most of the time, because there are only so many girls that actually look any decent in them. I don't want to see large displays of cottage cheese, thank you. We walked around and saw almost all of the good casinos, all the good sights we could, and there was still a lot left over.

I had fun... and I'm done typing.
I miss Rosie.

Friday, August 11, 2006

I miss Rosemary.

Off to vegas I go for my 21st... excited to play some texas hold em tournaments, but its a little overshadowed by the fact that the person I love the most in this entire world is in a different continent with hardly any access to a phone or a computer to reach me with. for the next month.

I miss Rosemary.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

I suspect I'll be blogging a lot more in the next month...

Rosemary left for Costa Rica yesterday morning. I guess it still feels like only a couple hours ago- which is good, time seems to be passing by pretty fast.

So, on my 21st birthday, it was the last night Rosemary was in town for a month, the last night we'd get to spend with eachother for quite a while. So, naturally, we go to the marina, where we had our first (meaningful) date. We sat there and talked, like we've done on numerous other occasions. There were about a dozen or more other cars there as well, couples were everywhere. The marina is just the hangout place in des moines during the summer.

WELL, a cop pulls up behind me, parks his car, sits there for ten minutes, and then gives me a ticket for trespassing. You aren't supposed to be in the park after 10, according to a sign by the entrance. I look around at everyone else there... and get pretty frustrated. not wanting to land myself any other tickets I didn't really talk back to the cop at all, but Rosemary sure wanted to, so she asked why he didn't even ask us to leave or warn us. Great question... he mentioned the sign by the entrance, and walked off. All in all, a pretty freaking rediculous ticket, like pretty much every single one I've ever gotten. You know, its getting really hard to give the benefit of the doubt to these civil servants we pay with our tax money. Instead of keeping us safe and ridding the county of crime, they are busy giving middle income people tickets to boost their revenue, who pose no threat or danger to society. There is absolutely no accountability at all with cops, and its getting pretty rediculous in my opinion. I know that they deserve respect and their jobs can be dangerous... but not when they are busy pulling over commuters on their way to work to fine them for doing a few MPH over the limit. I mean, come on! Go find a meth lab in west seattle and bust it! I bet I could spot a dangerous looking situation in west seattle in less time than it takes to set up a speed trap. Good greif, what do we pay these people for? To ticket us? Is 10 over the speed limit in the left lane on a straight highway unsafe? I think not. And don't get me started on the insurance companies, who capitalize on the tickets massively.

So that was a *fantastic* time to get a ticket. on my birthday, on the last day I'm going to see my fiance for over a month. wonderful. And its a meaningless bogus parking ticket for 153 dollars. yay, go police, you rule.


I'm pretty sure I'll be talking about the meaning of life or something really deep in the next post. haha.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Well,

today is my 21st birthday.

Normally, I wouldn't really care so much, its just another birthday. BUT, this world has really placed quite an importance on this arbitrary hurdle of an age.

As you all know, 21 is the legal drinking age. I don't really know why they picked 21 as the age. Over in europe, alcohol is commonly accepted as a household item and consumed by families- yes, children as well. Best part about that is, there are less people that abuse it over there. Less law, more control- makes you wonder sometimes about, if we put so many restrictions on ourselves, that we'll just figure out ways to break them, instead of letting the people restrict themselves out of common sense. Take the autobahn for instance... freeways in germany with no speed limits. they have about 150 accidents a year. I-90 has thousands of accidents a year, with a stringent speed limit ranging from 60 to 70. Interesting.

On this fair occassion, I am now legally allowed to drink. Well, seeing as my co-workers have been asking me to drink (good naturedly, of course) for the last two years, I decided to kind of humor them on this occassion. Its kind of a comraderie thing- they want to socialize and make me feel like part of the group, and unfortunately that means being accepted by drinking. Sad...

Well, I had a drink that was some sprite and some vanilla vokda, and it was actually not too bad. It was a very small drink, and I made sure to eat a full meal before hand so it didn't really affect me. And I kept it at one drink... not really interested in finding out the finer points of being "buzzed" or "drunk." Theres no value in embarassing yourself or the people around you and hurting yourself. Its amazing how thats just common sense thinking, yet no one thinks it anymore. That I see, anyway.

So, hopefully they feel like they've "initiated" me now, and they'll stop bugging me to drink, since the hype around it has dissipated. I guess I feel a little liberated being 21 years old, because all my life I've had to combat the communative thinking that age is a huge detractor to knowledge and skill. For as far back as I can remember, there have been people telling me that I'm too young, too inexperienced to do things. I think I've pretty much proven everyone wrong, to be honest. I have vivid rememberences of teachers, other kids, adults in my church, all chiding me for messing with something that I would "just break." To be honest, I did break a few things as I'd learn more and more, but... in every instance I can remember, God has really brought me success. I struggled with that age mentality quite a lot. I remember several times crying in my room at night, because I felt so worthless, all because of admonition from people that applied the stereotypical child mentality to me. It was also quite liberating when I built my first computer without any help, or when I passed my first certification. Or when I secured my position as an instructor for Microsoft Technology. And of course, lastly, securing my positions within Microsoft. If it wasn't for those huge successes that God has brought me through, I don't know if I would have had the heart to struggle through the trials. I must say, most of the pressure came from my peers who always felt threatened by my success. I'll leave that one alone. :) My parents gave me great encouragement as soon as I started showing lots of positive motivation, but before that... I can remember times where my mom would tell me that I'm the most unmotivated person she'd ever seen, and it frustrated her. Instead of motivating me, it just hurt me, and I guess I never felt unmotivated. Just not motivated in the direction she wanted. :) I was busy saving for the latest speakers or accomplishing a crazy feat in a super hard computer game, or writing a piece of code that would shut my computer down at 12:30am. It just wasn't outwardly visible, I suppose.

Well thats my supposition about being 21 so far, not more than 16 hours into it. :)