Thursday, November 17, 2005

its so much easier to give up than to change.


I see myself as a little kid. I was quiet, soft, sensative. I would stay quiet, until I had something to say, and all I would ever say is I love you. I loved everyone. And I loved to please everyone. Thats all that mattered.


I look at myself now... and all I see is...
nothing.

Worldly accomplishments are wonderful. I've done quite a bit for my age. But what really matters, in all of life, in all of this existance, is love.

1 Corinthians 13:13 - There are three things that will endure- Faith, Hope, and Love, and the greatest of these is Love.

nothing else matters.

I look at my life- and I don't see it anymore.

I've prayed so very hard to get it back, to learn how to show my passion, my love. All I can see is an egotistical plastic person.

I just don't know how.


Its still all in here. I've still got more passion than I can ever express, I've still got God's love in me. Words can not express God's love. He thinks about you MORE than any human being ever has, and ever will. He has more thoughts of us than grains of sand exist on this earth.(psalm 139:17-18) His love is so powerful it cannot be hid from, not even in hell. Our brain is to small to even have the ability to comprehend the power of God's love. Yet I've got it in here- I've got God's love. I feel as such an unworthy vessel of the greatest gift ever given.

I find my actions as an offense to God's gift to me. I fail. I hurt people. I hurt myself. I can't even show my true self, because I just don't know how.

God is starting to answer my prayers that have gone on for so long about this. And it makes me feel all the more unworthy.

God, I know my path is straight. It has never wavered, and never will. But I just realized I've been crawling my whole life. I thought I was going so fast, too... I thought I was on fire and ready to win the world for you. I look back, and I see knee and elbow marks instead of foot prints. I look ahead, and I see foot prints. And I don't know how to walk. I don't know how to be a living copy of your love. I want to learn so bad. This passion you've given me, it makes me yearn with everything that I am to give my all to the people around me, to you.

I don't know how to be Ricky. No one even knows me.

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