Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Where to begin.

I haven't really blogged in a while- I think the reason is because blogging felt a bit cheap to me for a few weeks. I just didnt really feel like sharing my thoughts and feelings for that period, I suppose. But I'm ready to now.
About a week ago, I started reading a book called "Drawing Near" by John Bevere. Yes, it rhymes. Yes, thats cool. This book talks about how you draw near to God. In the first forty pages, which is as far as I have gotten so far, (very thought provoking) it talks about how you get closer to God. Well, this is something I desire greatly. When I look around my life, I see the usual- job, friends, some entertainment, etc. I've been volunteering quite a bit at the church lately, too. Well, what about the age old question- "Whats the purpose of life?" Well, the only real answer is to live life because you have it. Live it the way you want to. Well, I want to live my life the way David did. Read Psalms sometime, you'll know what I mean. He had passion, and he loved God and loved life. It starts with me- it starts with my heart. One of the best statements in the book so far is, "You hunger for the things you feed yourself." This is SO amazingly true. If you watch TV, you will hunger for TV. If you play lots of games, you will hunger for games. If you seek God, you will hunger for Him. Things in my life detract from my hunger for God. Things like pointless web surfing, pointless no-nothing activities, too much Game playing, too much Car-talk. These things take up my desire at points in my life- therefore satisfrying my hunger. Well I don't WANT to be hungry for these things anymore. I WANT to be hungry for GOD- Why? Because I want to live a life of passion, a life that can be defined by the core competencies of love. You know the verse, Love is patient, love is kind, love is not boastful, etc etc. I want to be a living example of that. Why? Why NOT. I could live life like everyone expects me to, I'm sure. Work at Microsoft, drive a fast car, play lots of games, volunteer at church so I feel like a good person. Maybe donate some money sometime or do something kinda cool once in a while. Well, I'll tell you, for the last couple years I've been a little complacent about life. I've let the things around me fill up my desires, and I've let them cloud my mind. I want a renewed focus, and I want it to be on the things that REALLY MATTER. Love. Life. God. The only things you will really remember after you die. I want to be in need. In need of God. I don't want to be "rich" because that means "well off." I want to be poor in spirit, and poor in heart- so I always desire more. More, more of God, more Love- more of everything God has promised us so many times. Granted, balance is always needed. People still need entertainment, and of course I'll always play games :) but I want the desires of my heart to be being a real christian. Someone who truly loves God, not just says it. Truly loving God includes obedience, humbleness, and so many other things. I believe not many have truly experienced the kind of love God has promised us, and I plan to find it. Call me idealistic or wacky, but I just don't think anything else really matters when it comes down to it. My skillz in halo or counterstrike won't benefit me when my father is on his deathbed, looking into my eyes. It wont benefit me when my best friend calls me up at 3 in the morning and asks for a shoulder.

A love so pure, so righteous, that you would instantly sacrifice yourself for them, without hesitation. Love, where you put someone else ahead of you in every area of your life. A love where you wouldn't hesitate to go to the ends of the earth to pull them out of a dark corner, or spend hours just to get a smile out of them. A love so wonderful that it shines out to everyone that can see you. A life changing love.

I used to have something like that. And I want it back. I am asking God for real love, like he promised me. A love that is as close to how much he loves me as I can experience. He sacrificed so greatly for me, and I want to sacrifice so greatly for him. Without hesitation, without doubt, without thinking, without fear. A love that visibly shines through my actions, my words, my eyes. God is calling me to him, and I will meet him, and we will eat together, like best friends do.