Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Have you ever touched your tongue to a 9 volt?
Have you ever touched your tongue to a CAR BATTERY?
I haven't either- but now I know what it feels like! Feels like my stomach is gonna float off without me- all the flutterbys in it. Or stomach eating moths. Or killer bees?
I'm so happy that I can sit down with a bible in my lap and apply it to my life- every area of my life. The consistancy of that has been what has provided me with answered prayers and prophesies of miracles unheard of- and this new leaf I am turning over is just a part of that. It makes me feel like I, WE, have a purpose far beyond what we could ever dream of. I know God has things in store for me, he will make me grow, learn, stretch me, push me, make me a better servant. I can't even explain it any more.
It is so overwhelming- I'll need to take a night and just write it all out. I doubt it'll be on my blog, but it'll be on paper by my bedside.
There is a question that I'm deathly afraid to ask God. I'm scared of the answer. I'm scared of the question. I'm scared of... what it really means.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
I'm a little sad that events conspire against me(us), even during a time of giving holidays. Alas, days go by, and all I want is to just be with you. I don't even think I'd care what we'd be doing.
I feel awkward just saying that, I suppose. I don't want to do what I did the first time, and scare you. It's alright now, I guess, because you can see my intentions and my motives. You can probably see right through me. Thats how this works, though. I trust you.
Sometimes I feel like rain is the only way I can feel God's tears for me. God's tears with me. It makes me feel alive, the same way sucking the marrow out of the bible in the freezing cold at 2 AM makes me feel alive. Thats why I wanted to share it with you.
The rest of my thoughts, I will not publish, on this, my own journal. For those thoughts, they are none of the public's business. :)
Monday, December 19, 2005
I've got some conflicted emotions right now. I'm feeling a little bummed about the condo, I think maybe I let Daniel get too excited about it, and it kind of built it up in my mind- which was a let down, because my offer was declined (two other offers on the same day, and the real estate agent was the buyer and seller's agent, meaning she gets twice the money if that offer goes through). So that kinda struck a chord! But its no big deal really, I'll find a better one. :)
And, the guy I sit with in my cubicle, who I've been training for a couple months now... it just isn't working very well. He's had this build for 3 1/2 weeks, and it still isn't done. People are wondering, and it looks like I need to step in and get it done. Hes a older fellow, and he is very insecure, so when I started trying to help him out with the build he felt a little hurt because he couldn't do it himself. He kinda threw out a few excuses about the instructions and stuff, and he is constantly saying "I'm sorry" and things like, "I am a technical person, if I can't figure it out it must not be my fault, its just bad instructions" and stuff like that. But every time he gets stuck, for like, a whole day, it takes me 30 seconds to fix it. Bah! It's aggravating me a bit. I'm trying to encourage him and give him confidence, but there is only so much I can do. He is asking me if I'm going to "let him go" or if he is "not a good match for this job." bah. Whats worse is, he is a kind hearted christian guy with a family. Tough.
Yesterday was fantastic though! We did a drum special at church, first service went off flawlessly, and second service was hilarious, my drum kept falling off the box it was on. hahahaha, I had such a hard time keeping a straight face. It messed up George too, he was too busy trying not to laugh and he missed our one measure rest. We laughed about it back stage for 10 minutes :) Then we had a christmas party- and that was great, but my mind was elsewhere. It was good to hug all the family members again though. And the rest of the night was... fantastic. :) Best evening in a very long while.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
I don't really know where to start, but I'll start with what occupies my mind more. I am now in a relationship, and its not like any I've ever experienced before. I feel awkward again. I feel confused again. I haven't really felt that way since I was sixteen or so. I find myself looking at what I say and just laughing at my fumbling bumbling self. I haven't blushed this much in years. I haven't babbled to friends with excitement like this... ever. I feel so silly and awkward, like a puppy that has ears longer than its legs and it keeps tripping over itself to get somewhere. We had kind of a rough start to be honest- but the fact that we started off on the right foot, with banners of trust and communication has really seen us through thus far, and most likely will see us through more situations. All in all, God's will be done, and it just makes me want to praise him more and give him my all in everything I do. I'm sure this awkward time will pass, and I can't wait to have a wonderful relationship based off of scripture and God's will. I don't think I've ever experienced that before, and that excites me. I'm not in love or anything, but I am excited to pursue a Godly relationship. I hope I don't screw anything up!! Knowing me, I will. hehe. But my trust is in God.
So the next thing is, my living situation. I put an offer down on a condo friday, for a hundred and ninety-thousand dollars. holy smokes! I can't believe I just offered to pay someone that much money for something. Its a great place though. Two bedroom, two bath, one car garage, nice and spacious... 1260 square feet. Not bad at all. I'm excited, and I hope I get it. I'm a tad nervous about getting the loan, and having that level of payments due every month. I'll need to save up some buffer in case something happens, because with the condo it won't leave me with much money left over per month. Until my car insurance goes down at least...
In conclusion, I need to continue to put my trust in God, and I need to continue to build my faith. There is nothing more important than that, and he will lead me beside still waters and make me lie down in green pastures. He will take care of me, because his love for me is greater than any love this world has or ever will have.
I'm excited to pursue what God has set before me.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
I'm so glad, that no matter what happens, I can always fall back here and write things. Pretty much nobody reads it, so I can vent a bit and still feel not so guilty about venting to people and leaning on them.
So, the move to sammamish was crayzayyy. It started off great, shared a big nice open cube with one other guy, was right next to all the fun people that I need to be next to, etc. Then, the managers had to move people around because some of the people were complaining ( my boss especially... I'll get to that later). So we all moved, to acommodate the people that wanted their own cubicle, or whatever requests they had. After I set all my stuff up. Gah! So I start packing up, and three people run over and start putting there stuff on my desk before I'm done moving. I got a little testy and said "Hey, can you wait until I'm done, that way its easier?" hehe. Maybe not so testy, but I felt testy inside. So I move to this new cubicle... which happens to be across the entire building, and lo and behold three people are still occupying it. So I just park the move cart and walk off, deciding to grab lunch with some friends to cool down. Well, go figure, the cafeteria has the exact same items to offer as my old cafeteria. Joy. So I get back from lunch, attend some meetings (where everyone is still mad because of the move), get pushed around a bit by managers that don't know how to do their job, and then by 3 my cubicle has been vacated, but left there is a bunch of junk. Empty cans, some fans, cords, etc. So I move all that stuff out, and start setting my stuff back up. I said to myself, OK, no biggie- I'll get set up and it'll be fine, I'll have a nice place. Then, two people come in, both on my build team... to sit in this cube with me. One guy that I've been training for the last two months to replace me on a project, who can't stop asking me questions he should already know the answer to, (or tell me war stories), and a sweet little indian girl who has some amazing (not in a good way) body odor. (Remember, I'm venting here, so I'm allowed to be grumpy)
Ok, ok... thats ok... until:
| Fat Guy |
So as you can see, the fat guy decides to sit right in between the girl and I. Well thats fine. I am small. Until he decides to move his elbows, or try to get up, or breathe. In those cases, he is less than six inches away from me, or touching me. That, I cannot stand. Its cool to be cramped- but I don't like touching old fat guys. Or when he decides my phone is now his personal phone for all phone calls he decides he should make. Bah!
I tried to start the day well but it just didnt work. And during all of this move fiasco, I had to make sure two deployments were going well, and mop up after the guy I am training made some pretty ugly errors (which falls on my head, since I'm lead). And I get called on the way home to be told about the errors that were made that I am responsible for. Sweet!
Oh and my boss is extremely mad and wants to quit. I saw him fixing up his resume, and he left early to attend a job event for the xbox team. Quite the morale booster when your boss doesn't even want to stay, and he tells you.
Gah. And that was justwork!
I think myspace is just another form of drug. Hear me out! I logged on for a sec yesterday, and it just gave me this sickly feeling.
People use it to feel loved. Read their screen names. Look at their pictures. These people, they want to be loved. They have this giant gaping need in their lives- like everyone. Some try drugs to fill it, some try alcohol, some try bar hopping/clubs, some get lost in whatever they can find to look for some love. Gosh, I wish I could just show them all God's love for them. Its more than they can imagine, and its more than they can ever find with myspace, drugs, alcohol, bars. It makes me so sad to see these people chasing after Ghosts put before them, only to never be able to reach what they are running towards. Because it's not there, its an illusion.
So yah, that was my Ricky Rant (tm) for the day I guess! hmm, what else... I guess I need to work on my resume, because I'll be going through the interview loop here soon for the FTE position. I had a wonderful chat with one of the higher ups that I really trust about my situation, and I feel good about what we talked about, but I've definitely got a lot in front of me. I was blessed by being hired at microsoft at barely 19. His specific words that really struck me, after the conversation was pretty much over was this: "Minh gave you an amazing opportunity to start here at the age of 19. Don't waste it on a dead-end build job." I take that to heart, because its so true! I can go blue now, and I might get stuck in a build position that might take me years to move out of. And those are the years I need to be going higher very fast to make my unique situation well worth it. He told me I need to look around for better options- stay contract, find a different group, find something I can really excel at. I've really excelled at my build job in the past year. Far beyond what I could have hoped for. And I've got to keep excelling, and not find myself in a weak spot without a lot of movement. I think thats in the cards, but I've got to keep my eyes open and make my moves carefully. Man, being in this industry is very political and back-stabby, because it takes a lot to move up a lot. Good times!
So enough about work!! hmm. So Daniel, George and I started working on our percussion special for the service on the 18th, "The Giver." It should be quite fun. We've got some awesome ideas, and maybe we'll throw in some comedy. :)
So thats all the surface stuff with Ricky over the last two days. God, I pray for your gifts of wisdom and understanding, and I pray for the passion you've given me, because it runs deeper than blood and stronger than rapids, and I give you the glory in my life. I ask for your peace in my life right now. I ask for trials to be met with humble success, and I ask for your love in everything I do. Oh, and, I ask for patience. Because only in your timing will your works be complete. Amen.
Monday, December 05, 2005
When you get there, the things of this world will grow strangely dim.
1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
When you start to love God, the world grows dim.
Faith is not ritualistic rules and laws.
Faith is not theory of a gospel. It is more than church attendance, it is more than memorizing scripture.
Faith is more than a season.
Faith is not a goal.
I don't want to be presented with the truth all of my life and never accept it in my heart. In my mind. In my will. In my emotions.
So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
Faith is a commitment of the HEART (emotions, will, mind) to be interested in and controlled by the truth Christ revealed.
I stand at the door of your heart & knock. If you will open the door I will come into you and you in me and I will dine with you.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you: Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abidge in His love. These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full. This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends. You are my friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should reamin, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you. These things I command you, that you love one another. John 15:9-17
What then? Are we better than they? Not at all. For we have previously charged both JEws and Greeks that they are all under sin.
As it is written:
There is none righteous, no, not one...
Romans 3:23, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:12 Therefore, just as through one man sin entered the world, and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men, because all sinned.
5:19 For as by one man's disobedience, many were made sinners, so also by one man's obedience many will be made righteous.
I beseech you therefore, Brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Phillipeans 4:6&7 Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
2nd timothy 2:22 Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, with those who call on the lord out of a Pure Heart.
1st john 4:16 And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.
4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves tormet, but he who fears has not been made perfect in love.
5:4 For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world- our faith.
Those are all the scriptures I have underlined in my bible in those books. I've had this bible for six years or so, so its a compilation I suppose. I still see a fairly strong pattern of love though.
Monday, November 28, 2005
I get in to work, and most everyone around me is grumbling about having to move to the Sammamish campus (its cubicles and most people will haveto fit 4 or 5 to a cubicle) but it doesn't bother me one bit, because I am blessed with my job and I am honored at becoming FTE. And I'll only haveto be 2 to a cubicle, not 4 or 5, because I'm going to be an FTE. I grab a caramel Macchiato, just because I want to, and start walking around and talking with the people around the office. Chatting about the move, chatting about various work things, etc. Just kind of relaxed and in a content mood, because God is my shepherd and I shall not want. I have some nice conversations with people, and they start realizing I'm not one bit bummed about the move to sammamish, and that I'm thankful to be in this position where moving to sammamish is even an issue.
Then I head out to lunch with the crew, and we talk about what faith means to us for an hour or so. Man, today is pretty good so far.
Ah, I just found out about my cube situation too! Even as a vendor right now, there will only be two of us in my cubicle. Sweet.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
my favorite music album ever, is Michael W. Smith, Change Your World.
If you haven't heard it before, take a look at some of the lyrics.
It's my favorite music album ever, because each song is quite powerful in it's own right, and they all seem to speak to me every time I hear them. They are all so good it seems wrong to pick some out of the crowd, but I will anyway.
I Will Be Here For You
Somebody Love Me
Its hard to explain what these songs mean to me, because its an emotion not easily described. It calms me, but its also the songs I've most ever shed a tear during. Its one of those albums you can just listen to forever. It makes me want to get a blanket and wrap myself in it, and it makes me feel God's love for me in a way I can't describe. Like there really is a light at the end of the tunnel, and no matter how I feel or what I do, he will always be there, and my heart will always be true.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
How can I possibly explain how I feel? I don't know, but I will try.
There are two types of people at Microsoft: Orange badge, and Blue badge. Orange badge are folks that are vendors or contractors- you are hired for a certain time, to complete a certain job duty, and you're gone when its done. Thats me. I'm a Build Engineer, and they can't really afford to let me go, so I have an unending contract pretty much. Which is great, because being a vendor/contractor pays GREAT hourly rates, which fits for my lifestyle at the moment.
Then, there is blue badge. Blue badge is people hired by Microsoft. They are not hired to complete just a job function, they are hired to be a representative of Microsoft in their job position. To look out for the interests of the company as well as do their job. Full benefits are included. You get your own office, you get a prime card (discount card that works in half the stores in existance) Pro Club membership (best gym in Washington) 401k retirement plan, stock options, dental, health, etc etc. Lots of benefits.
So its almost a different realm. They usually put all blue badges in charge of the leading roles, and have vendors perform the supporting roles. I've been kind of in a weird position, as build lead for 4 seperate projects over the last year, which vendors usually don't take lead very often. And I think I am good at what I do, which really frustrated me because they told me they wouldn't hire me as a blue badge for a long time, even though they had no real reason. I decided to give it to God, and I kept repeating to myself that God knows my path and he will put me where he wants me in time, and I stopped worrying about being blue badge.
Well, that was only a month ago or so... And here I am. I haveto go through the dreaded "Interview Loop" to get the position, but everyone I will be interviewing with are people I know and have worked with pretty extensively, and my boss told me he'd rig it so its everyone that really likes me. Hahaha, thats funny. I'm not too worried about it either way, because I know I can do this job very well, and the people I will interview with know that too. If not, they will see my character and know my mettle.
Its a humbling experience, to be truthful. God has put me in a place to succeed, and every time I try and give to him and honor him and bless him, he throws it back at me tenfold. I'm honored to be able to work on a peer level with some of the smartest people on the planet. (I say some, because some softies are not so smart)
So thats what, three posts in the last 24 hours. That might be a record.
I can wether the storms that will come my way. Your peace will fill my heart and your joy will light my smile.
What I'm missing is my private place. I need to find it. Since I moved, I lost it, and I've lost the peace that comes with it. At my old house, I had many of my secret places. I found my solitude, my peace, my strengh, and God showed me his beauty in these places.
I think I just needed a bit of a reminder to keep myself holy for God, and sanctified by his glory, and not tainting myself with TV & movies. Thats not so big of a deal to me, and I can do that, I've done it all my life. I just had to get reminded that the kind of time you invest in something is the kind of fruit you get out of it. Investing time in a TV is fruitless- but investing time in the word of God and myself bears much fruit. Not that I ever really watched much TV, but I did start to watch one show, once a week. That'll stop! I wonder why I even started!
It makes me really sad when I see my parents devoting hours every day to the cable box. My mom has so much talent that goes untapped in the songwriting area. I go back and read e-mails from her when she had her visions of Pure Heart, and it almost crushes me. I want to renew that passion in her- I want it to flow thick and pour out of her and bless the nations with it. And my dad, his passion for the children. Hes got it. The children love him. That is such a special gift.
I am not judging my parents. I am wanting to fire them up. I want to rebuke them, as the bible tells us to.
Psalm 39:11 You rebuke and discipline men for their sin; you consume their wealth like a moth— each man is but a breath.
But a breath. Each man is but a breath. We live too short not to rebuke eachother and challenge eachother to be better christians. I want to bear much fruit, and I want my family to as well- for if you trust in God for your rest and peace, he will give you riches according to his glory, but if you seek it for yourself you will be lost among men of this world.
On the other side of a rebuke- it commands us to take rebuke and consider it:
Psalm 141:5 Let a righteous man strike me—it is a kindness; let him rebuke me—it is oil on my head. My head will not refuse it. Yet my prayer is ever against the deeds of evildoers;
And it talks about how God blesses those that listen to rebukes:
Proverbs 1:23 If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you.
I encourage people to rebuke those around you. Why? Because its called Accountability. Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you, rebuke a wise man and he will love you. Prov. 9:8. He who listenes to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise. Prov. 15:31
Proverbs talks alot about rebuking, and its got some great things to say. So I encourage everyone around me to be better christians. Why? Because when you get to heaven, you will be known by your heart, and you have riches waiting for you according to your deeds here on earth.
My heart aches for those around me, and it is not judgement I incur, but encouragement of being the best servant of Christ you can be. I want to get every drop of life out of my time here, and I want you guys to get all of it too. God will give you all of your hearts desires if you seek after him, and he will dine with you in the darkest of hours if you cry to him. There is a savior, and he loves you more than you can possibly imagine. He wants to spend every minute of every day with you, and he wants to hug you and talk to you. He thinks about you more than anyone on earth, and he cries for you. He gave his life for you.
My heart cries for his touch on your lives and on mine.
Monday, November 21, 2005
I've got the answer to the next level. I suppose it was always kind of in front of me but I always dismissed it until it was given to me.
I've been praying for a while now about what I need to be doing. What do I do. How do I get closer to God. How can I be a better Christian, better servant, better person. I've been trying to find it, and I made promises to myself a while ago to try and find it. I told myself that I would do everything asked of me by the church- I would serve in every way I was asked to, and I would fill every need I could. Well, I did this for four months. I tried to do everything for four months, trying to find what do I need to do to get closer? Just to touch the hem of his robe. To look into his eyes, to feel his touch.
I've got my answer. And I will succeed in my decisions, and my path is straight, because it has been promised to me and prophesied to me. I have confidence in myself that I can do this, because God takes care of me according to his riches and glory.
God is equipping me with the Armor. The armor I need for this world we live in, and the sword to fight back. I'm seeing these prophecies come true right and left, and its crystal clear to me.
I've got it- and I will be powerful in God's name, and I will use every last bit of blood in my body to be the person God has chosen me to be.
I've got to set myself apart. I know God has chosen me, and I've got to act the part. I've got to seperate myself from the world, so I can see it for what it is, and without the distortion of needing the world or having love for it.
I've come across this before. Why was I blinded to it now?
Because I've been marked as a threat and something is trying to make me ineffective.
Well that doesn't quite work against prayer. So I win.
ok, I'm hungry, so I'm gonna go eat a sammich or some waffles.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
I see myself as a little kid. I was quiet, soft, sensative. I would stay quiet, until I had something to say, and all I would ever say is I love you. I loved everyone. And I loved to please everyone. Thats all that mattered.
I look at myself now... and all I see is...
Worldly accomplishments are wonderful. I've done quite a bit for my age. But what really matters, in all of life, in all of this existance, is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13 - There are three things that will endure- Faith, Hope, and Love, and the greatest of these is Love.
nothing else matters.
I look at my life- and I don't see it anymore.
I've prayed so very hard to get it back, to learn how to show my passion, my love. All I can see is an egotistical plastic person.
I just don't know how.
Its still all in here. I've still got more passion than I can ever express, I've still got God's love in me. Words can not express God's love. He thinks about you MORE than any human being ever has, and ever will. He has more thoughts of us than grains of sand exist on this earth.(psalm 139:17-18) His love is so powerful it cannot be hid from, not even in hell. Our brain is to small to even have the ability to comprehend the power of God's love. Yet I've got it in here- I've got God's love. I feel as such an unworthy vessel of the greatest gift ever given.
I find my actions as an offense to God's gift to me. I fail. I hurt people. I hurt myself. I can't even show my true self, because I just don't know how.
God is starting to answer my prayers that have gone on for so long about this. And it makes me feel all the more unworthy.
God, I know my path is straight. It has never wavered, and never will. But I just realized I've been crawling my whole life. I thought I was going so fast, too... I thought I was on fire and ready to win the world for you. I look back, and I see knee and elbow marks instead of foot prints. I look ahead, and I see foot prints. And I don't know how to walk. I don't know how to be a living copy of your love. I want to learn so bad. This passion you've given me, it makes me yearn with everything that I am to give my all to the people around me, to you.
I don't know how to be Ricky. No one even knows me.
Friday, November 11, 2005
James 2:17 - So you see, it isn't enough just to have faith. Faith that doesn't show itself by good deeds is no faith at all- it is dead and useless. (NLT)
I remembered reading it a while ago, and I remembered another James verse fairly close to it.
James 2:20 - Fool! When will you ever learn that fiath that does not result in good deeds is useless? (NLT)
haha, you just got called a fool. :)
Figured I'd share with all, since they are just generally good scriptures to share with people that need more faith (and faith is shown by their actions).
Pretty much that entire chapter in James is great for faith.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Forbes is doing a e-mail time capsule. They let you write an e-mail to yourself, and have it sent to yourself in 1, 3, 5, 10 or 20 years. I'd encourage everyone to do this... Writing down your goals and inspirations can be very healthy for you. It helps you aim your life as an arrow to hit a target you made for yourself- be it finishing college, becoming a better Christian, getting married, etc.
I did it, and I think everyone else should, too. You have until Nov. 30th.
Make it good. :)
Sunday, October 23, 2005
I have heard from lots of people around me about how "hard" I am on them. I even see it. I am hard on people. I look around me and most of the closest people I am around, I deal with "harsh"ly sometimes.
People need to live up to what they say they will do. I've been witness to dozens of people talking about what great things they will do, what great reform they will practice in their lives. From going to church consistantly, to doing the "right thing" when they are dating, or acting better towards people.
When it comes down to it, I am hard on people because they are not accountable towards their actions. You know, humans are GREAT manipulators. Not even just others- they are great manipulators of themselves. It's pretty natural for someone to convince themselves they made the right decision- even if, in the bottom of their heart, they know they didn't. Or to lie about something they did, or will do, so they don't feel guilty about the truth. Or to play a blame game, and pass the fault on to someone else- so they don't feel bad.
START BEING ACCOUNTABLE.
You need to start being honest with yourself, and start being honest with the people that care about you. Stop lying. Stop convincing yourself you did the right thing. Don't blame it on the other person in the relationship. START BEING THE PERSON YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE.
If I am hard on you, it is because you need some accountability in an area of your life. Usually for the area that you are faulting in.
Am I hard on you when you make a mistake, and when you confess it and seek the truth?
You already know the answer to that question, if you are reading this blog. And you already know, that I am only hard on you when you lie to yourself or when you are not accountable.
Start feeling bad about your wrong decisions. Start trying to fix that, and start telling the truth about it. You need someone to call you on your crap, and it looks like I may be the only person doing that.
If you are someone who claims accountability, then I have no quarrel with you. Until then, stop lying to me.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Let me share something with you (whoever you are, haha).
The last two weeks or so have been very powerful for me and my relationship with God. Last monday, after the Refuel conference, I was driving to work and felt the spirit of prayer on my heart. I decided to entertain the idea and started praying. To me, praying is not getting on your knees and reciting a scripture, it is a two way communication with God. Its a conversation. Meaning, he communicates back to YOU.
So, that week of refuel, I had volunteered and done more at the church than I had slept. I ran sound, played, practiced, set up, everything. About 7 days straight, with my good friend Daniel.
In my prayer that morning, I got a strong sense of explaining how much I love God. Well, thats not something easily explained. About half way through a thought, I was interrupted with another thought, and it said: "I know you love me- your actions show your heart. Now, I want to love you. Tell me, what do you want."
I was blown AWAY. What do I want? Me? Why? Well, I already have the car, the job, the friends. What could I possibly want? My first rational thought was a wife, but I can't ask for that- God has to give that to me in his own time. :) After a few more seconds, I look back at the road, to see all of this traffic, as usual, every morning... and I said, "God, make my commute times faster." And then I laughed. I posed the question, how would God make my commute times faster? And I laughed some more: It would take an act of God to shorten my commute. :)
Well, yesterday morning, I was in my regular commute... you know, autopilot, when you are in mass traffic for hours. I look over, and I see my office mate sitting in the traffic next to me. Haha, we laugh at eachother.
Well, long story short(end), this morning we meet at the fry's parking lot and carpool up the rest of the way, saving us about an hour of drive time.
I get to work at 8:40 instead of 9:40 this morning, and I do my usual starting up routine... and I'm thinking, wow, that really shortened my commute time. Then, DING, I remembered my prayer. And I started laughing. It almost brought me to tears, how God answered my prayer in such a direct fashion, without a doubt.
Wow! Thats pretty darn cool.
Monday, October 03, 2005
We had the ReFuel conference the few days after I wrote that blog, and it really drove home exactly what I was looking for. There was some extremely annointed people preaching, and I felt really honored to be able to listen to their ideas of how we need to seek after God in our lives. Each one of the three guest speakers had something amazing to say, in their own way- but it all built towards the same end.
So in my last blog, I mentioned how to get so close to God that he dines with you- this is a scriptural text, and it talks about how God will dine with you as friends do when you draw near to him.
Well, in my seeking, I've found more scripture (I don't have my bible here with me right now, so I can't qoute exactly) that talks about being God's children. I think thats a strong topic- We are God's children. In order to understand that fully, I've got to look at how a father-child relationship works. Fathers look out for their children, and love their children with a fierce passion. All you want when you are a father is for your children to love you, and to be protected. Well, God wants us to love him fiercely. He wants us. He pursues us. He also has to lead and guide us, because we are mere children on this earth. We are not old enough, even the old people, to know how to make Godly decisions, so we need to look to our Dad, and ask. When we do something wrong, he doesnt hate us or shun us- he longs to hold us and pick us up and take care of us, but often it is US who run from HIM.
Imagine a 2 year old kid that did something wrong. You hug him and love him, and explain to him why that was wrong and what to do. Mistakes don't change the relationship. Actively pursuing something else will, though. I mean, when you were 2 years old, did you ever have a nightmare and come to your dad or mom and ask to sleep in their bed? Thats what a child does with a parent. Thats the relationship we need to pursue with Christ.
He wants us to pursue him so much. Imagine loving someone beyond comprehension and seeing them make mistakes and turn away time and time again, all while ignoring you, while you wait for them. I don't doubt that he cries over us, watches us in our sleep, gets excited when we discover something or create something. He LOVES us- a REAL love! A love that cannot be found on Earth. He even gives us things we want, he wants us to be happy, he wants us to have fun- just like if you had a son or daughter. When they are laughing and having fun, it brings joy to your heart.
He just wants to have a Father-Child relationship with you. He wants to be your source, your father, your friend, your love. If only we would pursue him like a Father we have never had on Earth. If only we knew how much we really need that. If only we knew nothing else could take the place of Him. Not drugs, games, people, sex, drinks, anything. God made us so only one thing will truly satisfy our hearts. He did that on purpose, so we would need him.
I've been listening to the online recordings of Pastor Judah Smith's preaching, and I'll tell you now, its quite amazing stuff. He challenges you to live a lifestyle to be proud of, to be a person you'd want to be, and he tells you how to do it while still being human. He tells you how to have fun while being a christian, how to be effective, faithful, loving, caring, patient. Everything. I would recommend checking it out and listening to a few- it almost doesnt matter which one, every topic he speaks on is very important in the lives of people today.
On a less serious note, I curbed one of my rims today :( I'm kind of dissapointed with myself. I've never curbed a rim before. I was pretty tired, and I was about a quarter inch off on a judgement call with this curb, while trying to stay out of the way of people crossing the street. :/ oh well. We'll see how I can fix it.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
I haven't really blogged in a while- I think the reason is because blogging felt a bit cheap to me for a few weeks. I just didnt really feel like sharing my thoughts and feelings for that period, I suppose. But I'm ready to now.
About a week ago, I started reading a book called "Drawing Near" by John Bevere. Yes, it rhymes. Yes, thats cool. This book talks about how you draw near to God. In the first forty pages, which is as far as I have gotten so far, (very thought provoking) it talks about how you get closer to God. Well, this is something I desire greatly. When I look around my life, I see the usual- job, friends, some entertainment, etc. I've been volunteering quite a bit at the church lately, too. Well, what about the age old question- "Whats the purpose of life?" Well, the only real answer is to live life because you have it. Live it the way you want to. Well, I want to live my life the way David did. Read Psalms sometime, you'll know what I mean. He had passion, and he loved God and loved life. It starts with me- it starts with my heart. One of the best statements in the book so far is, "You hunger for the things you feed yourself." This is SO amazingly true. If you watch TV, you will hunger for TV. If you play lots of games, you will hunger for games. If you seek God, you will hunger for Him. Things in my life detract from my hunger for God. Things like pointless web surfing, pointless no-nothing activities, too much Game playing, too much Car-talk. These things take up my desire at points in my life- therefore satisfrying my hunger. Well I don't WANT to be hungry for these things anymore. I WANT to be hungry for GOD- Why? Because I want to live a life of passion, a life that can be defined by the core competencies of love. You know the verse, Love is patient, love is kind, love is not boastful, etc etc. I want to be a living example of that. Why? Why NOT. I could live life like everyone expects me to, I'm sure. Work at Microsoft, drive a fast car, play lots of games, volunteer at church so I feel like a good person. Maybe donate some money sometime or do something kinda cool once in a while. Well, I'll tell you, for the last couple years I've been a little complacent about life. I've let the things around me fill up my desires, and I've let them cloud my mind. I want a renewed focus, and I want it to be on the things that REALLY MATTER. Love. Life. God. The only things you will really remember after you die. I want to be in need. In need of God. I don't want to be "rich" because that means "well off." I want to be poor in spirit, and poor in heart- so I always desire more. More, more of God, more Love- more of everything God has promised us so many times. Granted, balance is always needed. People still need entertainment, and of course I'll always play games :) but I want the desires of my heart to be being a real christian. Someone who truly loves God, not just says it. Truly loving God includes obedience, humbleness, and so many other things. I believe not many have truly experienced the kind of love God has promised us, and I plan to find it. Call me idealistic or wacky, but I just don't think anything else really matters when it comes down to it. My skillz in halo or counterstrike won't benefit me when my father is on his deathbed, looking into my eyes. It wont benefit me when my best friend calls me up at 3 in the morning and asks for a shoulder.
A love so pure, so righteous, that you would instantly sacrifice yourself for them, without hesitation. Love, where you put someone else ahead of you in every area of your life. A love where you wouldn't hesitate to go to the ends of the earth to pull them out of a dark corner, or spend hours just to get a smile out of them. A love so wonderful that it shines out to everyone that can see you. A life changing love.
I used to have something like that. And I want it back. I am asking God for real love, like he promised me. A love that is as close to how much he loves me as I can experience. He sacrificed so greatly for me, and I want to sacrifice so greatly for him. Without hesitation, without doubt, without thinking, without fear. A love that visibly shines through my actions, my words, my eyes. God is calling me to him, and I will meet him, and we will eat together, like best friends do.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Monday, August 22, 2005
I want to stop putting hundreds of miles on my WRX every week. I want to start putting them on a car that is cheaper and so it wouldn't hurt the value of the vehicle. With all of the modifications I am doing, this car is going to end up to be a very fast, very capable car. Not the kind of car you want to be in when you are sitting in 405 traffic every morning. Why? Well, when you have a car that is geared very aggressively and has very aggressive suspension, its not so much fun to clutch in and out all day long, when the power yearns to break free.
I'm looking at Acura Integra LSs, around 86-90. I think thats the bodystyle I want. I like them, and they hold up under high mileage pretty well. And it has more horsepower than my prelude, while still about the same weight. Not a bad performer for that old of a car. So I guess I've decided to do that. I just need to actually save some cash (Which is freaking hard to do with these insane bills). I'm thinkin I can pick one up for around 1k to 1.5k. That'd be a great daily driver. And, almost all integras have AC, sunroof, power stuff, and some have aftermarket CD players already in em. Not too bad for just over a grand.
Hopefully it will lower my insurance, too. Since I moved to kent, they raised my prices again... its pretty much certifiably insane. I'd save the cost of the cheap car every few months...
Now, I just gotta find a decent one. Any help would be appreciated!
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
I want to find more purpose for my life. I see these movies, that talk about honor to uphold nations, love to defy the world, purpose beyond a doubt. Names in history that will never be forgotten, because of the things they have done. I don't seek fame or a big name, I seek purpose. I want to live life so it hurts. I want to defy logic, I want to move mountains, walk on water. (cliche, eh?)
Right now I'm doing all that I see to do. Every chance I get I am at church, helping, doing, making a difference. I want more. I want so much more. I want to find love that only God knows. I want to find honor that only David knows.
I'll follow my path until my last breath. I just pray God has purpose for me that defines who I am, again and again. I've got so much in me no one has ever seen, and I want to use every atom of it.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Thursday, August 04, 2005
I am Ricky Ochs, an 18 year old male living in a small town south of Seattle. I love computer technology, music, and God, and am trying everything I can to get my dream job- a network position at Microsoft. I am going to start attending Bellevue Community College here soon.
Wow! Talk about setting goals.
Work has been extremely busy/stressful lately, but I've made a very strong point to get off in time to attend to all my church gatherings/practices/events. Every wednesday night we have NXG church, which is youth/college age. Well the youth are gone to Oregon this week, so it was all older people. The focus was on ridding our lives of things that come in between God and us, specifically being able to enter in to God's presence only when the worship is good or when the preaching is good. Scott had some great points.
Well, we did an acoustic worship. It was some light drumset, Brenda on piano, Natalie on acoustic guitar, a couple of singers, and me on Djembe. It was absolutely amazing... after the second song, Brenda went into a prohetic song, and it just fit... I kept playing, and it felt so special to be apart of something so beautiful. Brenda stopped playing, and we all just worshipped God to the commanding authority of the Djembe echoing off the walls of our church, and we sought God.
I want that every day of my life. I think I want a Djembe for mah b-day, just because it can be such a powerful tool in the right hands. I made a few personal decisions while I was playing that night, in an effort to get closer to God. I told myself I'd cut a few choice things out of my life that did not have Godly fruit in them. I plan on sticking to that, because God loves me more than anything in this world does, and thats what matters.
After we stopped playing my hands were cracking and almost bleeding though. I need to develop some calus... I usually only play every other week though, so its not enough for calus. Its ok, I'm playing the ENTIRE month of August so I should be able to get some, so it'll be easier. Especially if I do pick up a Djembe.
In other news, my car smells like cat pee. Yeah... I was moving my cat Jubei over to my new house, and he got sooo scared when I put him in the car that he peed all over me and my car seat.
And then I get in, and he runs out... fruitless pee.
I did manage to get him over there, with the help of my ingenious mom. But they just sit in my room all day waiting for me to come home. They are wonderful boys, and I enjoy their loving personalities. :)
So, life is OK. But right now I'm trying to give everything I've got to God... Why? Why not. He is my savior, my love, my God. he deserves my all and more than I can give, and so I will give it. People mention how they get burned out from doing things, like work, or volunteering too much. Well, can you get burned out on something you love? I've never gotten burned out on computers/technology, because my entire heart and mind is in it. I believe we should be able to approach God the same way. and I plan on finding out the answer to that question. :)
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Thursday, July 14, 2005
I've been having some trouble with my computer lately. I played the battlefield 2 demo, thought it was worth picking up, so I went out and bought it. I get home, try to install it... and nothing. The installshield doesnt even pop up.
So I work with EA tech support for a few days, and every time I reply to one of their e-mails a different person gets it and responds again with the same generic copy-paste respose, "clean the disc, download the latest drivers, dont be an idiot" instructions.
Well, since they are no help at all, I figured the root cause out myself... It seems installshield is having issues on my machine for one reason or other. Which is strange, it doesnt have issues when I install any other game, including the BF2 demo. Error 6005. Make sure no other programs are running, make sure your temp folder is clean... ok ok, did that. still doesnt work. Hmm.
So, I'm like, screw it. I told myself I'd build a new computer this summer anyway, and I think I can scrape together the money from savings to do it. So I order just a couple of parts, thinking I'll piecemeal it together. Motherboard, RAM, and processor. I've got the rest, right? Hard drive, vid card, etc etc. So I get the new stuff, start putting it together and...
I bought the new SLI motherboard. Meaning I can run two video cards at once for twice the speed, using PCI Express. Well, I figure I'll just upgrade to PCIe cards later and do the dual thing when I can come up with that kind of cash. I'll just use my nvidia 5900 vid card for now. Well, I'm dumb. The new mobo doesnt have an AGP slot, just the PCIe and PCI slots.
Well, I suppose I'll haveto put this little project on hold for a bit until I can afford a new video card. Now the question is, do I buy a cheaper one to hold me over for a little bit of time until I can get a dual setup or single fast one, or do I spring for the more expensive one now?
bleh. I dunno.
But, one cool thing is, I'll be running Windows 64 bit. I'm getting it from work, and I hear it runs things a lot faster because of the 64 bit memory addressing. No RAM nightmares for this generation of games, which usually eats ram for breakfast.
Any ideas? I know a few tech people read my blog- gimme some input.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
I hope everyone is registered for college... maybe I should register and do some online classes. Get my prereqs done... maybe get a degree in social sciences, or psychology. Maybe even an english degree. Lord knows I don't need more schooling on Microsoft products. I need to "round out" my education because its pretty one sided right now, all tech.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
I'm sore all over from my jet-skis. I'm really learning how to ride them pretty hard and do some pretty cool things, and it shows from all of the weird muscles that I never knew I had, since they are sore now. But I sure had fun finding that out. :) I'm excited about some things I'm doing here soon:
Friday, Mustang Cruise. An all day mustang cruise, starting 8am, going all day. Should be 500+ mustangs, will be SWEET. Goin with my uncle Rod, hopefully we get his X-pipe put in before the drive so we can hear the sweet mellow V-8 sound all day.
Taking out the jet-skis again next weekend, after we replace the impeller on one. Why? Just cuz, I love taking them out.
Bridgeport. I am going on a camping trip to bridgeport for 4 days with the 18-25 crowd, and I'm taking the jet-skis. Should be a LOT of fun, and I'm excited for hanging out with people in my age/maturity range. :)
Moving. I'm moving here soon, to the kent house. That should be fun, because I'll be there by myself. I'm afraid I'll like it too much and want to stay by myself when my parents move in after me... oh well, at least it will motivate me to save enough for my own place.
Suby Cruise. Subaru enthusiast cruise, the hwy 101 loop around mt. vernon, end of august. Should be a BLAST, as it was last time. And this time, my car is faster and has better tires. Last time, I was driving 9/10ths of the car on crappy tires and it was very real and very scary, insanely fast insanely skilled driving. This time should be easier with the better handling car. Although I'll want to tighten up the rear suspension before then, since I added the front strut bar the front is way too tight so it understeers a lot more than it should.
Yep yep. So thats gonna be cool. I just hope work will be less stressful so it doesnt ruin all of these cool things I want to do. God is bringing me success, and I'm being faithful by serving 2 or 3 days a week, and seeking him in everything I do. It really shows. I've been so amazingly blessed, I feel bad almost. He provides, that is for SURE.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
I'm gearing up for the 4th of july car show at church, I am hoping at having a shot at winning the import trophy. I got my up-pipe and down-pipe installed, and a shiny puurty strut bar. I also plan on getting a heat shield before the show... the heat is soaking my intercooler and I'm loosing a bit of speed cuz of that. I should be able to shine it up real nice for the show... I plan on spending most of Sunday to get her ready. Maybe I'll take some new photos of her after I get her all washed up and detailed. I've got a timeline of pics I've been putting together for her, maybe I should post that somewhere so people can see the change history.
Mm, work sucks right now. I've got many different projects jumping down my throat, and my laptop ran out of extra hard drive room. kind of a bleh time consuming suck.
I signed up to do the 4 day weekend with the college/career age group with church... we are all going out to bridgeport to have some fun. Cards, camping, cooking, the lake, hopefully bring the jet-skis... should be fun for some fellowship with people in my age group that I can relate to.
Change can be painful in life... growing pains and whatnot. It is what it is, though. I can't pursuade others to do the right thing, I can only encourage them and pray for them. Oh well, I guess some people just grow apart as they make different decisions in life.
I think it will be nice to be in the new house, by myself. I love my solitude. Not to mention the growing pains of living with your parents when you are self-sufficient and almost 20 yrs old.
Friday, June 24, 2005
So theres the summer fun for Ricky and friends.
Mike and I just went out on them for 3 hours.
Although, if theres two people on one, it gets very very tipsy, and you haveto balance it out by throwing your weight around to make turns, and go over waves. And mike was screaming in my ear telling me he was scared, when we were going full speed. hehehehe :) I kept going.
I didn't toss him off or anything... but he did toss himself off a few times. When I ride, I try to stand up so I can use my feet for balance, instead of sitting and letting the ski balance itself... it helps a lot. But now my legs are sore from standing on something going 60mph :( your legs take a beating when you hit wave after wave after wave at 60mph. Albeit fun.
So thats cool... hopefully I'll get to take them out enough times. Although we need to get them tuned up, they idle pretty rough right now.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
this new Voice over IP phone system is royally screwing over my
port-forwarding. I've got two routers, and I'm forwarding from the
phone one, to the wireless one, to my server, and its denying all FTP
at least HTTP still works. But it doesnt allow my blog to publish new
posts, so I haveto move it off to the blogger site..
oh well. It was nice to have it hosted by my own box for a while...
so much easier to post pics and stuff.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Days like today make me think of what kinds of things I can fill my summer with. I've got a few ideas, some are blooming some aren't.
I've still got all my paintball gear, which is a sizable ammount after trying to collect enough for an entire group to go. So thats an option.
Another option is going shooting again. I pulled out my gun and cleaned her up, getting her ready. Dave and I are probably gonna go shooting next weekend, so that should be fun.
Another option, quite a bit more costly, is a pair of jet-skis. I don't have the kind of money to buy a new one, but I'm looking at a pair of '97 sea-doos at the moment. I'd go halves with my dad, and get a trailer hitch on the van. That'd be totally killer to be able to take some friends out on a lake for a day a few times. Its quite a workout, too. Hopefully it wont cost too much :/ I'm having money issues as it is with my freaking insurance companies charging me in magnitudes of order more than they should. bleh.
Or if I don't get a jet-ski, a motorcycle. Those are my options. Most of them have to do with exercising in some way, I'd like to stay toned if thats possible for a microsoftie. I also thought about buying a weight set, too, which I might do, a little later after I can save for it.
So those are my summer options! It sounds like it should be some good fun, either route I go. Oh, and, I've gout about four car shows I can attend, and one that I am gonna help plan. that should be a lot of fun :) Hopefully I can get my car in shape to be a show car in time.
Have fun tonight, guys...
Sunday, June 05, 2005
and thats where I bide my time. The hours before sunrise... with nothing. Its so firmiliar to me now, from the countless years of this stuff, that it almost comforts me in its silence. Its one of the few things I feel is a rock solid absolute, when there is none. No matter what, I'll be alone.
Maybe someday, it'll be different...
I'll leave that to God.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
This is the kind of day where its fun just to do drive. Roll down all the windows, and just cruise. The kind of day where, the parking lot at work is a little, well, empty. :) People go out for lunch and just, dont come back.
ah, this summer will be good. I can feel it.
Monday, May 23, 2005
Its just so common for us to do things that make us feel like decent people... haha!
I've been struggling with a bit of depression lately, and I've been looking at the usual ways I end up getting out- usually I do something I feel is selfless, like work at church for a bit, or some other volunteer position/piece of work, but I realize its got the wrong intentions. I mean, building computers for poor people is great, but if the only reason I am doing it is to convince myself I am helping others, then its no good. I need to concentrate on the reality of it- making these peoples lives better is the ultimate goal, not being a good christian. If you always concentrate on being a good christian, you don't get the real meaning of it. You do things because thats what christians do, instead of doing things for the real meaning that God should give you. I think the vast majority of christians do that, unfortunately. But hey, it makes them feel good and they will probably go to heaven. Just not change anyones life...
Its not about what you do here on this planet. Its really not. The only thing that matters is you and God, and eternity with him. If you realize that, then your actions will reflect it, and you will be a servant of God.
There is a lot of wisdom out there. A lot of people choose to ignore it, and go about their own thing, because it feels good for now. But people need to open their eyes and realize it isnt about now. Its about forever.
I'll get off my pulpit now, since I know some of you despise me for trying to share what I feel is truth.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
"What kind of man is a man who does not try to better his surroundings?" kind of cool qoute. If I'm not challenged to do better, then I'm just underachieving.
In the past, its just been a clear straight shot to what I need to do. Like a list, and you do something and check a box off the list. But now, its kind of obscure things that require a lot of work to figure out what you even need to do. For example, I need to start training myself for some other stuff that I don't normally work with. There is no clear path to what to read, what to do, etc. You haveto be assertive and work really hard to figure out things, so you are still valuable to the company and you don't get let go.
So, I saw Star Wars last night. I thought it was a great movie. The acting was quite a lot better. Don't get me wrong, there were still a couple of awkward moments, but it is not even comparable to the dumbfounded acting in the previous movies. Ewan McGregor really steps up, Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman really step into their roles as well. I'd venture to say they were really trying and acting this time around. They aren't award winners yet, but they might be later on in their movie careers. More likely natalie than hayden, though. Yeah, great movie. Parts of it were moving to me. And not just because I'm a Star Wars fan, it more spoke to my sense of humanity. I also saw a lot of people I knew at the theater waiting in line. It was kind of cool to chat with old friends, four or five from high school, and a somewhat long time friend DJ XTC. It was fun talking about the new console wars, xbox 360 vs ps3.
What else... oh, I'm kind of excited to play this sunday at church. We are doing our yearly heart after God conference this week, and we are having kind of an "all-star" band for sunday morning, featuring most of the younger players. It should be fun, we are doing a pretty cool set of songs and I'm excited for some lively church.(boring church = no fun)
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Not bad, as far as vacations go- daytona is a beautiful place. Beautiful silky white sand, deep blue water as far as the eye can see, pigeons fighting over half-eaten fries, etc.
I did a lot of thinking on this vacation. I've come to a few conclusions about things.
When I was down there, the night life of Daytona really tempted me. In the way that any kind of popular dancing-drinking-hanging out club establishments lure anyone. That really started me thinking a lot- what did that kind of partying offer? Well, it didnt take long to figure out it didnt really offer anything I wanted. Easy sex, alcohol, popularity with a clique, whatever. Even the kind of people you meet are usually, 95% of the time, the kind of people you wouldn't hang out with unless it was past midnight and there were other motives besides meeting friends. Well, it still lures, but its something I can safely ignore, because its got nothing for me. The people that entertain themselves with that are not the kind of people I really want to associate with, because in the end it would just bring me down and probably get me stuck in a lifestyle that would make me hate myself.
With that in mind, I also started thinking about, since I figured out what I DON'T want to do, what do I?
Where do you go to meet decent people that have more common interests, and are wearing more clothing, and have real values? Surely not at hangout spots, surely not at clubs... Well, I guess the only places I know where these people exist are work and church. Work, is kind of hard to make friends out of, because, well, you are always working. Go figure. But church, is a place where you can socialize with people that should have the same kinds of motives and goals as you. I say should, because its not like everyone is the same kind of christian as you... some people believe in different ways of living the life of a christian. But its really the only place I've got that has real people with meaning, that arent after worldly pursuits of things that just leave you soul-less in the end.
Its kind of unfortunate, that I don't see any of my current friends really pointed in the same direction I want to go. I guess we are at different places in life, and everyone has to go at their own pace. There is not much I can do about that, though, and its not up to me. All I can do is encourage, I suppose.
I want to have purpose. I want to find meaning in things around me. I dont want to seek shallow relationships and people that have their own goals that are somewhere, else.
I'm gonna skip all of that shallow stuff. I see what it yields, and none of it is worth the time or the heart ache.
On a less serious note, my insurance rate went up because of my car accident. I haveto pay more money because someone hit me. How lame is that!! and, a LOT more money. stinkin'.
At least I have the greatest cat in the world. Not much else, right now.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Myths about love:
Love is a feeling.
Love is uncontrollable.
You can fall out of love. (love is a choice, not a feeling like hot or cold)
What God says love is:
Love is a choice. (Put "on" love, like a robe)
Love is an action.
Accept others unconditionally.
Commit yourself personally. (love is nothing without action, or commitment)
Encourage others continuously. 1 Thess. 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Use the gifts God gave you to serve people cheerfully.
Forgive others freely. Romans 12:18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Share Christ. (the most loving thing you can do is share eternal salvation)
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.
I want to love God as best I can. I want to seek a new level of relationship with him. I commit myself to him.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
I got my car back today. I'm thankful I'm not driving that piece of crap Bonneville anymore. She looks good, a couple millimeters off on the bumper alignment, but the paint matches pretty well. Maybe a shade off in certain light, but then so is the front bumper (its a different plastic material than the metal body.)
And, I got a fatty raise at work. Quite fatty. I bend over backwards for these guys a lot, so I guess I deserve it.
The last few days have been absolutely horrible, dealing with insurance companies, some really ugly stuff at work, and with my raise situation (had to fight with them because they forgot to put it in, then they accidentally gave me a decrease in money, and then they got it right... after a few months.) And the insurance company finally succumbed to the body shop to get it fixed. That sucked hardcore too, but its finally done.
Now I get to put in my new fog light covers, side markers, extra center cap, STi badge, etc. it should make the car really work well. And I have my new downpipe ready to install here soon, should net me another 15 horsepower... and then another 30 with the chip. woot, should be at about 280hp by then, kickin tail, about as fast as an STi, and with good looks.
So, I haveto work late again tonight. But I don't feel any remorse over it- I'm getting paid far more than I would have ever imagined possible for someone not even out of their teens, and my work really works with my personality.
My mom mentioned she wanted to talk to me, and I got the impression it was about something somewhat serious... I'm almost filled with dread talking to her, because I feel like she'll call me on something or other that I don't know about. And I don't want to feel really guilty right now... Such is life, I guess. You need the people around you to keep you pointed in the right direction. I think I'm doing alright, though. I think...
Time to start saving for a house... :)
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
I hope they don't give me a lame rental car...
Hmm. What else...
House is still for sale... it got re-listed with a different company. we'll see if that actually works or not.
Work is alright.
Most of my friendships are pretty much down the tube for one reason or other.
God has a plan, right? Well, is divorce part of his plan? Is this for some greater good or something? I have a feeling God is no part of this. He does not work with hard hearts or selfish minds, only people that are willing and obediant to Him and His will. Addictions and seeking attention are some of the most selfish and ungodly things. God would see you succeed, so that you might be a light in this dim world. If you are not stretching to be the best you can be, you'll be at the end of your life, wondering when it gets good. If you do stretch to be all you can be, to try your best, to be successful, your goals will not be out of reach, and you will be an effective, meaningful person. A light, in this dim world.
You've got eighty years. The blink of an eye. Watchya gonna do, sit back, take it easy? Or are you gonna do something meaningful with your life? Be all you can be?
Only you can answer your own questions, and only you can figure out who you are and where you want to go. Its a nightmare of mine to see people go home and watch TV for the rest of their lives. And then they die, and people say at your funeral, "he was a good person." But they say that, because thats what people say at funerals.
I'd rather die, than live without passion, and meaning.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
So, I ordered my wheels yesterday...
it should match my car pretty well.
now I just haveto decide on tires.
and my exhuast situation.
and my bumper repair situation.
I hate insurance companies.
Hum, nothing else to post about for right now...
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Drop the ego, and listen to your friends. You don't have any left.
"Soften your heart, child. Humble yourself."
So, my car should get repaired soon here. Thats kind of cool. And instead of getting them to replace my broken muffler, I'll just use the cash to buy one that I want. So thats cool. I'm looking toward getting Cobb Stage 2... should make me about as fast as an STi, with a very nice sounding boxer rumble. And I've got my wheels picked out... gun metal rally style 10 spoke wheels. very cool looking.
I probably need to get fog light covers, before a rock turns one of them into mush. And I could get the carbon fiber interior trim, too... it would help get rid of the plasticy look of the interior, which would be nice.
hmm, what else... working on the weekend sucks.
One thing that makes life easier these days is being on the worship team at church. It lifts my spirits to be able to work towards a common goal with fellow people that have daily struggles as well. Using your everything to worship God, as you were made for, just makes you feel better about life, and more at ease. Its like a dip in God's refreshing ocean after a week of trudging through the Sahara.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Friday, April 01, 2005
They are trying to get Replica parts put on my car, instead of OEM Subaru.
Thats crap. I pay ABSURD amounts of cash to these companies, yet they continuously take advantage of me. Especially after I was in an accident, not at fault, and they are trying to jip ME on it. Sigh...
These companies are a scam. I could repair the car four times over if I still had the money I've paid them.
This is just so rediculous.
And to top it off, my spine and neck are all screwed up (x-ray proven).
I'm so frustrated...
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Blah, all that time and care and love I put into my car, and it just gets owned.
I've not new license plate frames coming in today, but it doesnt matter... my license plate is royally screwed. no point in putting a frame on it.
grr... she was gonna be my show car.. and I had wheels and tires picked out... bah.
his car got owned more than mine tho... he bent his radiator, and my exhaust punched two round holes in his bumper, and he owned his hood and right lights.
My babyyyy :(
other than that... I got a new office today. Still has 3 people in it, but its not with the living mold lady. and there is a window within 10 ft.
my back and neck hurts. I'm gonna go see Chris Hall today, hopefully everything is alright. I just want my suby back in perfect shape :( :( :( :( I love that car.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Intense situations regarding my multi-billion dollar program, and the team we get our daily updated data from...
we have a conference call every morning for this program, and the last 3 days straight, the DIRECTOR for our entire division has been on the call, as well as all of my bosses bosses etc etc etc. asking me questions about the situation, as I try to work around it and resolve it.
At least one of them said "good job" this time around...
I'd hate to be on the long end of the stick they are going to swing with that data team...
n-e-wayz, no one cares about my work, so enuf of that.
Washed my car for 4 hours last night... cool. (yes, had to add something about my car) Oh, and I debadged it, and shined the vinyl and wheels. looks totally cool now.
And, the Olympic Loop Subaru Cruise is this saturday. Should be a LOT of fun, I can't wait. :)
my tires are wearing faster than I thought... I'll haveto keep an eye on that, and start saving for tires/wheels...
oh, and, linksys routers suck sometimes. 1 am, and I am sitting here troubleshooting a linksys router. NOT my idea of a good time... unless its not 1am, then it'd probably be pretty fun.
And, lets see...
my church just finished the new building. Its simply A-MAZ-ING... the new sound system is great. I have my own sound mixing board for my headset for when I play... it really helps a lot (since it used to be where I couldn't hear anyone since I was behind a plexiglass wall, but I was mic'd...)
Quite the AMAZING new building. its very exciting, since I've been at that church since they first started seeing the vision for it- and boom here it is, 6 years later.
I think thats about it, for now...
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Friday night... worked late, then hung out with Amy.
Saturday.. wake up at noon, call up mike, drive to car toys, hear a rediculous qoute of 380 bucks for installing two speakers... go to frys. Look around at frys, buy some candy, and a game for Amy/Ashlee (I wonder if Ashlee will even ever play it.)
Went over to Amy's, hung out with ashlee, amy, mike, then went over to my house, watched a movie.
Sunday... did some chores around the house, went back to car toys, got a much better qoute on a lot more work, then fixed amy's computer, then mom and dad came home...
So, I ended up doing this, with my car audio situation: I replaced the front tweeters, front door speakers, and had them install my sub/amp combo.
The tweeters and front door speakers will give me a LOT better mid/high range quality, and the sub will finally give it some nice low end punch. Should be a great setup.
I got to car toys on monday night for installation, and they were like "oh, we have two installers out sick... we can't fit you in." But, I was the first on their list... so, um, what the heck... So I say hey, I got off work early to come down here tonight, and you had me scheduled before these other guys. So they said hey, we'll call someone in. no one wanted to come in. So they asked if I would drive to fed. way, and I said well... so they said, eh, we'll give you 20 for gas/trouble. I said, eh, make it 40, you got a deal. they said, ehh... eh... ok.
they handed me 40 bucks, I went to federal way with amy, got the stuff installed, and we hung out. And one of the guys that works there apparently collapsed and about six medics came rushing in right after us. cool.
So the system sounds decent as it is now, but I'm going to haveto do some tuning with the sub/amp to get it to sound the way I want. I worked on it for a bit last night, but I have a feeling it will take me a while of driving/listening to get it where I want it.
And, its not mounted, so the sub slides around and rips out my ON wire, so the sub shuts off if I take off very fast... I tied it down with a rope, but I still feel uncomfortable with that. I'll haveto figure something out.
Hopefully this adds enough personality to the car to make it my own... thats my goal.
Ok, enough out of me.
And yes, this post was also about my car. :)
Friday, March 11, 2005
My boss noticed one such time, and later that day walked into my office and told me that he'd call up my contracting company and get me some more money. I think he felt sorry for me after I got reamed out at for something that wasn't even remotely related to me.
Other news... food poisoned from lunch a few days ago. In addition to being sick earlier this week.
Anything else... hmm. parents are gone for the weekend... ok. Life is alright... Oh, I'm going on a day long cruise with a bunch of other Subaru enthusiasts, on the 26th... that should be fun. Hopefully Mike will go with me, so I don't feel so alone or anything. Let me know if I already had plans on the 26th, haha.
oh, dad bought some tickets for free entrance to Operation Paintball (what a twisted sentence) so I'll probably try and get a big group together to go... you know, so its easier for the people that don't play much. Since I have an extra gun, and I gave a gun to pretty much everyone I know. Mike, dad, me, rod, mandy, etc etc...
too bad OP smells like manure, and their fields suck, and their paint is super expensive (cost me 200 bucks just for one day, one time...)
ok, rant rant rant done.
Oh, xbox 2 info is slowly leaking out. I've seen some pics of it already, but I can't show anyone, you know, Microsoft internal. It's gonna be a blazing fast system, and its gonna have some aMAZing features, too. Neat-o.
My car is fast, btw. hahaha.
<3 to my fanclub.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Didn't go to work today. I came home early yesterday because I felt completely horrible, and I slept from 6pm til 2am, finished work, then slept from 3 - 10 am... so, I slept a lot...
In other news, I bought whats called a California Duster for my car... its some sort of cool rag device that lets you wipe down your car so it looks like it just was washed, without all the time and effort.
I almost bought a license frame too, but I don't know what kind to get yet.
ugh I feel icky. no pun intended...
work is hard... but I know what I'm doing, so thats good.
life in general is "eh.." right now, for me.
Hopefully with this next paycheck I should be able to do something. I don't know what yet... there are a few things I've thought about buying/doing. Theres this thing called an AccessPort that remaps the ECU in your car, and it will give me about another 25 horsepower... or theres a pipe, called an Up-Pipe, which will give me about another 10 or so, and help my turbo spool faster. Or, save up even more, and get the Turbo Back Exhuast I want... The AccessPort is 550, the Up-Pipe is 200, and the Turbo Back is a little over a grand.
or I can get some new Pirelli SP-5000s for 500 bucks or so, or wait for those until I can save for new wheels + tires...
I dunno. I'll just save, and do what comes up first.
Monday, February 28, 2005
I'll write about it here, so its an optional read, as it seems no one cares what actually happened while we were down there. :)
So, we drove there... there was a very long, empty highway, and it was too tempting to pass up, so I hit third gear and got her up to 90 easy, and we hit 100 in 4th gear, then slowed down. It was quite exhilirating...
We got there, looked around for a place to stay for an hour or two, after being told that every hotel in the entire town is full for the night. We stopped at a log cabin motel... it was really dark, and kind of in the woods. The words "Office" were painted on the side of a house... I walked up to knock on the door, but the entire place was unlit, and it just felt creepy, like the kind of motel you see in a movie where weird things happen. I promptly got back in the car, and we drove down the road a bit longer, and found a better lit motel, that looked a little better. We got the room for only 40 bucks (it was only worth that, trust me..)
After we got the room, we went bowling. We did a couple of games, and then signed up for Rock 'n bowl. Mike promptly owned me, and that was that. It was fun at least. Kind of insightful to think about all the bowling things I havent thought about since I was 10 yrs old. I didn't do too bad, for it being 9 years later.. I suppose. about 8 or 9 strikes total.. eh.
Anyways, back to the story. We go back to the beach in the WRX, and pull some wicked donuts. Get that sucker in first gear, crank the wheel over, and just do a circle, and then stomp on the gas. The car looses all traction all at once, and you go sliding in circles of about 40 or 50 feet. Let off the gass, and you slide to a complete stop about 20 feet away. After a few of those, and almost getting stuck in a really deep sand bank, I tried one backwards, and tried a james bond, where you do a donut in reverse then straighten out and go forward. I forgot to go forward though. :) Going backwards and sliding at the same time is scary enough, though.
Mike and I sat looking at the waves lap against the beach for an hour or two, with our brights on... and looking at the stars (and all the other big SUVs on the beach, most likely with people making out/doing other stuff in the really dark area)
We went back to the hotel after picking up some stuff at the ONLY place that was open that late. We fell asleep, and we were woken up at about 7 am by about 3 or 4 people in the other room screaming at eachother. That continued for over 3 hours. We checked out of our room at 10:30ish and had some pretty decent breakfast... and went back to the beach. People were everywhere... so we drive about 3 or 4 miles down the beach, passing everyone up. Then, we see a cheap kia SUV try a donut, and we decide to show off. I crank the wheel and do about 4 or 5 tractionless donuts. I see a jeep about a quarter mile away booking towards us, and I start heading towards the beach exit... and the jeep turns on his lights, and pulls us over. The cop told us that we were lucky he didnt take us in for a criminal citation... (I was thinking, What the heck? Put us in jail and fingerprint us for doing a donut?) But he did give me "negligent driving to the 2nd degree" and slap a 534 dollar fine on me. For doing a donut. OMGWTFBBQ...
funny thing is, if you drive on the beach, every few feet, you see big donut tracks. sigh...
So I got all down, and we just drove home. Luckily no one really tried to race us on the way back, except for a freaking old gutless kia... (on the way over about 3 people tried to race us).
got home, watched I-robot, then mike and I were both in pretty down moods, so he just left...
to make it better, it sounds like mandy and ben are getting a real divorce, and I get a really sad e-mail that I don't know what to do with...
and to top it all off, I worked a 60 hour week, which people tell me "screws with your emotions."
I thought the vacation would HELP!!
someone told me I need to stop trying to help others, and just worry about myself. problem is, its part of who I am to try and help those I love. But, I'm not qualified, or people don't listen, or whatever the reason, it doesnt work... and it just ends up hurting me more, because I take more burden from people.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
What a strange weekend.
Stayed up til 4am talking with my friends and nothing in perticular...
Thinking about driving to ocean shores for a day. It sounds extremely fun...
what else to type.
Hmm. I worked 17 hours on thursday... what a day. including driving, it was a 70+ hour week... man.. so tired.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
My new car is completely awesome...
thinking about naming it Tasha, or Tosh for short. Dunno about that yet.
Or "schoolbus" haha.
my boss and other higher ups at work call it the "bumble bee"
Sunday night I took Amy to Cheesecake factory and the movie Hitch. That was a pretty good night, I really enjoyed it. The next morning, Amy left a flower on my car. I wish I would have done the same for her, but her car is in a garage... :/ I wanted to buy her another boquet of flowers, but by the time I went on monday night, there were only really bad ones left.
So, work has been kinda hectic. Things breaking left and right, and most of them have to do with me (although not my mistake). I woke up on tuesday morning with blood all over my face and all over my hand (a lot of blood). Everyone at work told me I was crazy for not calling 911, but later I went to the doctor and he said it was just an extremely bad nosebleed (I never get nosebleeds..) and a strange headache and vever to acompany it.
What else... Well, my boss wants me to play halo with him now, he said its a requirement and sent out meeting invites on xbox live as required attendee, but I'm sure its not, he is just joking and he wants me to work less.
I came home way early today because I have a dentist appointment. Its fun to cruise around on the freeways without traffic in my car... you can upshift into 3rd gear on the freeway, and you are FLYING. such a fun experience.
Tonight is music practice, and tomorrow I get to hang out with Amy again. :)
You know its hard, being an "adult" or whatever. You loose sight of the meaning of life, and I can see why people have midlife crisis, and deal with this for decades of their life.
I'm doing what I can now, to make sure that never happens to me... buy the fast sports car, participate in church, make a difference at work, etc
So I think this journal entry is long enough. I will end it now before it continues into nothing more than Ricky Ramblings (tm).
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Friday, January 28, 2005
Last post was deleted because of lame internet explorer...
So I did my taxes last night. I am getting a pretty hefty refund, since I am still a dependant, and making good cash.
That'll probably be enough to put me at the place I want to be to buy a WRX.
So, when I get my refund check, most likely Feb. 11th, is the day I start seriously looking at WRXs.
I want a white one. With a boost gauge. And a good sound system, or I will put one in.
Its hard to find a white one, with the options I want... :/ sigh.
Work has been interesting... I am starting to get better at the office politics thing. I still get crapped on a lot though.
And other things in life suck, but its okay.
Now that I am getting down to the wire on actually buying a WRX, I feel almost hesitant. Not because I don't want one, but because I am thinking to myself, "is this the right decision?"
There are a lot of things not very smart about buying a WRX... Like, the insurance. The insurance is more money per month than all of my other bills combined, including a soon to have car payment. If I buy a different car, it would be a little bit lower(but still rediculously high.)
My dad talked me into test driving one more BMW before I go buy a WRX. I think its an okay idea. I really like beamers, but I just want a rice rocket right now.
I mean, I am making a huuuuge financial decision... the biggest one yet. I know the need to get some "cool wheels" is there- truly, everyone expects me to get a good car, living at home with a high income. But that kind of important decision is leaving me questioning every detail. which is good, I suppose. And natural, for me... I always over-analyze all of my decisions.
Most of the people I know say things like "You only live once," "My philosophy is, get what you want." "You're young, you can afford it, why not?" "The WRX is a friggin awesome car!"
'sides one person, "Its a fast car... don't die!" ;)
One thing that is funny, I worked 6 months at gamestop in 2004. 2 1/2 months at MS. I look at my W2 forms from those two places, and I made twice as much money in those 2 1/2 months at MS than I did at 6 months of gamestop. Good times..
So tell me what you think about my huge buying a car decision. Root me on or shoot me down. Just give me input. (Yes, you too Ashlee)
Nice thing is, WRX is four door.. so I could cart around the pose when we decide to go places.