Thursday, September 30, 2004

I feel like crap.
and I miss Amy.


I'm all alone hobbling around like a zombie looking for something to comfort me.

blehhhhhhhhh

I miss Amy.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Today on Ricky's Blog, we will talk about the evolution of Ricky's paintball gun, The One.

First, we have a slightly upgraded The One, with a new low pressure bolt added from Spudnuk'l. Also shown is a CP 16" .689 bore barrel. It doesnt match. We also have a Halo B with rip drive here, clamping feed neck, and a 68/4500psi tank, which were both added. Before this, I had a 68/3000 steel tank, and a clear revvy w/ x-board and impeller, old school shelled.
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Second, we have the same exact setup- with a new barrel kit.
This improved the look of the gun a lot, by matching all the colors- as well as letting me match my bore size with my paint, making the gun a little more accurate.
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Here is the biggest change in the Evolution of Ricky's paintball gun.
Here I added all new on/off, rail, regulator, low pressure regulator, QEV, and macroline. Pictures:
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So theres my gun.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Stop telling me I'm a good person, and stop saying I am smart, and stop puting me on a pedastol I don't belong on.
I'm no one special.
I'm just little ol ricky, and if thats not enough, then fine.
I can't be more than I am, no matter how hard I tried.
You know, some people, they say "Why Me?" But I don't think its ever proper for me to say such things.
I think I deserve every bad thing that comes my way, because I am the one that puts into motion the things that make it happen. And if not, who cares, I'm used to it anyway.
I'm just condemned to have a sucky life forver.

Friday, September 17, 2004

I've had to shell out 300 dollars for books this quarter at bcc.
I had alotted 150 for it. So now I'm in the hole. :(

And for all of you who noticed my kitchen table being filled with a pieced out paintball gun, I finally got the equipment to fix it all up and put it back together.
Except the microline hose I got is sooo hard that it doesnt fit over a barb on the solenoid.
So it leaks.
agravating.
and my e-bay sales havent been going well either.
hum. I need to sell guns!
buy buy buy!

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

I know a lot of people can really connect with this song, and a lot of people qoute it as their favorite, etc. And who am I to say I connect with it more than someone else, because I'm just me, and I dont know other people's hearts.
But the song, My Immortal, by Evanescence drops me to my core sometimes.
I feel it so strongly in the soul I feel like ripping the skin off my body and revealing who I truly am, someone no one really knows.
My life is just a collection of memories, and it all means nothing if I have not lived life in the best way I can.
You know, I've experienced so much pain over the last few years, that I don't even cry anymore. its like I can't. I even TRIED to cry, and the only way I can do it is by bodily injury, hah. But I like the reasoning behind it. The more main I experience, the less someone else experiences. I know thats a lie to some extent, where the pain I recieve is created just for me to haunt me and torment me, and for me to live with. Well, yes, it is something that affects me on a daily basis and keeps me from sleeping nights such as this.
The deepest desire of my heart, above all else, I believe, is to be a life giver. I don't mean to my friends or family, obviously not because it doesnt show that way, but to people that tear me up inside with their own pain. I find myself often looking into the eyes of a single mom strolling her kid to the apartment complex, and things of that sort.
I know I'm not good at a lot of things, but if you ever open up to me, you will find my true heart, and my true purpose for living. I want to be the person that God wants me to be, and I swear to you I am the most loyal and honorable confidant you will ever find.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Yep, I'm back from canada.
You want pictures? Yeah, you want pictures.
here they are.
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Saturday, September 04, 2004

I wish I could write something so beautiful, it would comfort you always.
I am dedicating this post to my Girlfriend, whom I dearly love.
She is the most important person in my life, and I pray I never take her for granted. She is amazing, wonderful, caring, sweet, pretty, talented, and everything else in between. Truth is, I don't take in a breath without breathing life she gives me. Her every caress softens my heart, her every presence motivates me to be better as a person, her every thought draws me to her.
I wish I could make her happy, because she deserves so much to be happy. But she would never say that, and you would never know until you learned of her heart. No one has ever really done that, and I feel honored above honored to be the first.
So wherever she is, whatever she is doing, maybe she will know that I love her, and I will be with her.
My pride and joy is in her, and she doesnt even know it.
Smile for me, because you are loved! (haha, yes, thats right, smiiiiillleee, woot!)

Sincerely,

Ricky

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Why do people say to other people
"It will be alright. I love you, and you can always call me."
Okay.
Are they doing that for the other person, or for themselves?
Of COURSE they think its for the other person.
But I think its for themselves.
They feel better if they can help someone.
They feel better if they have pledged their loyalty.
They feel like they have completed some obligation as a friend, and therefore a "good friend."


Well, BULL on that.
You arent a friend until you realize that maybe you shouldn't offer them your hand and sit back, but maybe go and hug them, and try to be their friend. Instead of waiting on that sideline as they die inside.
Help them find their answers and give them a shoulder to cry on.
It is not about you, it is about them. So get over the entire idea until you are ready to go to them without your sense of pride or anything else but pure love for them.
I don't think many people even realize this. And they think they truly do love.
Hardly anyone knows real love in this world.
its pointless for me to keep going. You can't explain these things, you haveto realize love, not explain it to eachother.